Raising someone else's child

.....is not for the faint of heart.

When I look back to over 3 years ago I never thought life would ever look like this. I mean who really knows what the future will look like? I became guardian to my niece and fast forward to now where I am filing adoption papers.

Adopting a broken, hurt 5 year old is HARD. I mean how do you even go about healing someone who has been through hell before they are 3? Therapy and testing for things brought on by a mother's drug abuse.....heartbreaking. Sometimes when I hear the things she has been through my insides feel hollow and I feel rage.

I've never been a perfect mom but I couldn't imagine doing that to my child.

I'm writing a blog post for selfish reasons really. I just need a way to get some stuff out. I am feeling very helpless. My niece was doing really well until she saw my sister a couple weeks ago and now she's out of control. It's so hard not to be mad at her and punish her for her bad behavior. I forget that it's not her fault, that every time she does something it's from hurt or rejection.

I'm angry at my sister. She was selfish enough to hurt everyone around her, to put a babies life in danger and never think of the consequences. It hurts because she's my sister but then I think why me?

Life turned out pretty ironic. Lose a baby, gain one that's not mine. I love her and I will always treat her like she's mine because she deserves it but every once in awhile I look around and wonder how exactly I got here.