Sunset79-The Story

Sunset 79 seems like such a boring name when you just look at it but when I look at it, it is the reason for the person I am today.  It's long be prepared...

Let's take it back to 2009.  I wanted a baby, simple as that.  I was tired of dating a bunch of douchebags hoping one of them would be my prince charming and we would live happily ever after.  I was tired of the hurt feelings and bad dates.  I was DONE.  I had asked a couple guy friend's if they would be willing to be my sperm donor, they all said yes.  Such a tough choice lol  I was ok with being a single mom, after all I had been one for 6 years already it wasn't anything I couldn't handle and I had a wonderful family that would be there whenever I needed. 

Fast forward to December.  I was at karaoke (like normal) when a guy walked in sat down and just watched all night, didn't say a word to me.  The next day I get a friend request on Facebook from him and I thought what the fuck is this guy stalking me?  He was going through a break up and messaged me asking about my friend that I was with at karaoke.  This was normal, she was outgoing and stood out so I usually just stood back and watched.  I was ok with that, I hate attention seekers.  During the conversation he asked me to text him instead of Facebook message him.  We talked for 2 weeks then finally met.  From there it was history.  He was funny and witty and got me.  That's so cliché I know but it was true.  We had the same love for all things music.  We couldn't get enough of each other and he even moved in after 2 months. 

Fast forward to the next September...I was pregnant.  We were excited! It was then that we decided if we were starting a family that we needed a different life.  We both hated city life and wanted a slower pace of life.  No traffic, no traffic lights, friendly people.  Good thing we had such great illusions haha We packed up and moved to the middle of nowhere, the closest neighbor was about half a mile away or maybe even more, we never measured.  Neither of us had lived that life and it was an adventure.  We LOVED that house and the views from it.  It had perfect views of the sunset and sunrise, wide open skies, fresh air and you could see every single star in the sky.  Heaven is what I called it. By the way the street we lived on was called Highway 79.

Fast forward to May of 2011.  We were all prepared for our little boy McKennon (named after a bullrider).  His room was painted and decorated, I had washed all of his clothes, my bags were packed for the hospital and all we had to do was wait.  May 8th was Mother's Day.  I was cranky all day long and hardly felt him move.  I didn't think anything of it because he was big and didn't have a lot of space and when he moved it was mostly at night.  May 9th I went to work and hadn't felt him move so I called the doctor.  They said it was probably nothing but to come in and ease my worries.

It didn't ease my worries, my whole world fell apart.  They did 3 different ultrasounds and couldn't find a heartbeat.  It was devastating.  I kind of just went with whatever the doctors told me to do because that was all I could do.  I was numb.  All I could think was what if it was something I did?  I am his mother and am supposed to protect him from harm, what if it's my fault?  I went through 36 hours of labor for my son that I knew I was never going to get the joy of knowing or watching him grow.  I had them drug me up hardcore the whole time I was there.  I didn't want to feel anything, I didn't want to even think about what I was doing in that hospital for even a second.  People came in and out expressing their condolences, bringing food and trying to keep their own sanity for the sake of me.  In all honesty I kind of wish they had all left me alone.  You know when you are at your darkest hour and the only person you can stand to be around is yourself? That was me.  May 11th I finally had him.  We got to hold him and kiss him.  To some that may seem morbid but that was my baby, I had carried him for 9 months.  I was the only one that truly got to bond with him.  There is nothing like the bond between a mom and her child.  There just isn't.

We left the next day and I had a breakdown leaving the hospital.  Everyone else was leaving with their babies and I wasn't.  The next few months was rough.  I was depressed, my parents were going through a divorce and I watched my uncle die of cancer very slowly.  I had a hard time coping with life.  I hated everyone.  I couldn't even stand my parents or my best friend.  My boyfriend and Marcus were the only two people that I could stand being around. 

I decided I needed some serious help.  I couldn't get back to life as it was.  Not that I should have exactly but I wasn't ok.  I found a counselor and decided to take the steps to see her.  She asked me what I liked to do and gave her my usual read, watch tv whatever.  She asked me of there was something I did everyday.  I told her I watched the sunset every night because I had the perfect view and it was always so beautiful.  So she told me to imagine one of my loved one's that was already in Heaven taking my son up with them in their arms every night in that sunset.  That changed my life.  From then on that's what I did.  It was liberating almost.  I watched Extreme Couponers all the time so I decided to look up how to do it.  If I was going to change so was everything else in my life including my finances. That's how I started couponing.  It kept me busy and occupied.  Honestly it brought me back. I started canning and making up my own jelly/jam recipes without sugar.  I wanted to start a business doing that and probably will again soon.

Sadly the relationship with my boyfriend couldn't be saved.  It was really hard for us living in that house, walking by what should have been McKennon's room.  We fought constantly and it just wasn't working.  The night before he moved out we decided to spread some of McKennon's ashes outside of our house so we always had that memory.  I lived in that house for 9 months after that and watched the sunset every night that I could.  I had a hard time leaving that house and leaving my son but I know that although his ashes are there he is always in my heart.  There isn't one day that I don't think about him and what life would be like.  Part of my heart is in that Sunset on Highway 79:)

Enjoy!